What does it look like to “trust God with every fibre of my being”? How does it feel like?
This is my story. I grew up staying at my grandmother’s place, and I never had a close relationship with either of my biological parents. I remember that although my mother visited occasionally, I had never felt her love nor presence in my life. After a bad dispute with her when I was in Secondary 2, I packed my bag, left the house, and never stepped in again. I wandered around on my own for close to a month, before receiving a call from my father inviting me to live with him. I did not know my dad personally. In fact, I knew nothing about him, but I was desperate and needed a place to lay my head.
So I went on to live with him, and got to know him as a father. He drank, smoked and gambled. We rarely had conversations. On many occasions when I leave for school, he would return home drunk, and by the time I got home, he would be out drinking. One day, he came home very drunk, and touched me. I woke up and left. Soon after, the police and the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) were involved, and I was sent to a home under the Child Protection Act. I stayed in the home for the next two years before I was adopted by Pastor Ian, whom I now call daddy.
Because of my past hurts, I never truly understood what it looked like to trust God wholeheartedly, even though I had been a Christian for close to 12 years. In fact, it got harder as I grew up, because it is inevitable to get hurt by the people around you. Building a wall and protection around my heart was a natural thing for me to do, to protect myself against further hurts and disappointment.
Ask me, maybe six months ago, I wouldn’t think that I would have attended TLBS’ SOM. I visualised myself going to Thailand for missions, or even working before thinking about what’s next after graduation, but God had other plans for me – I was offered a scholarship to attend SOM.
I remember sitting in class one day and the lecturer mentioned this verse:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not
on your own understanding;
in all your ways, submit to Him and
He will make your path straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
I realised that all this while, I did not know how to trust God. It scared me that I had not been able to trust God wholeheartedly. Right there at my seat, I knew I needed to make a decision. It was not easy. It was really tough for me to recall all the pain, hurts and disappointment at the back of my head.
But since making that decision, I can gladly say that everything does get easier. It really did. When insecurities and memories hit me hard, it got easier every time I whispered: “God I trust you. Show me what it looks like to trust You totally.”
Therefore, I am excited to continue this journey of discovering what it looks like to trust Him with every fibre of my being.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank my adopted parents, Ian and Lilis, for loving me and being patient with me. I’m sure it has not been easy to love me, especially when I am really insecure. Especially to daddy, I thank God for using you to mend the wound caused by my biological father. Thank you for showing me glimpses of how a father loves his daughter unconditionally, so that I may come to know how much more our Heavenly Father loves and cares for me.
I would like to end this story with a song written by a dear friend, Darrell. The lyrics speaks a lot and it is my heart’s prayer:
Keep Me on Fire
Give me a vision
Don’t let me settle for something small
I make a decision
To believe the impossible
As I shift my world
Keep my eyes on the prize
I press onwards to the call
Keep me on fire, Lord
Molten hot, never going cold
Through the highs and lows
I’m surrendering my will
Turn my pain into passion,
Keep my heart ablaze
To do your will
Help me see
How my vision will unfold
Give me courage
I will not leave a story untold
If I believe I must pursue
More than visions and dreams
I will make it reality
Bend me, Lord
Have your way with me
Shape me, Lord
Into the man you want me to be
I press on to the end
Till the day I see you face to face
And run into your arms
Roslina Chua (SOM 2018, T1)